Did you hear? Rick Santorum is no longer running for president! This is a sad and joyous day for me. On the one hand, it means that I personally beat Rick Santorum and am better at everything than him. On the other hand, however, it means that making fun of him is now kind of pointless.
But, whatever, I lead a pointless life. Here's a list I made of the top 10 things Ricky can do with all his new-found free time:
10. Damage controlThere are some vile people out there (us), and they've (we've) done a pretty good job of turning Rick Santorum's good name to shit. Literally. Trying to erase their (our) awesome Internet presence to restore the name 'Santorum' to its pure, unadulterated form is going to take a lot of time. Luckily for Rick, he has that now.
9. Read the BibleAs you and I both know, the Bible says that homosexuality is wrong. But it also says a lot of other stuff is wrong. Perhaps Rick should spend his new-found free time studying up on Biblical hairstyles and the uncleanliness of women before he spouts off about the gay. And hey, Rick, if you're too lazy to read the Bible (or don't want to be corrupted by that stuff in there about being a good person), here's a handy
post I wrote about just this very subject lo those many years ago.
8. Become an AyatollahSantorum-spreader Ryhan made this little
quiz which asks the taker to attribute quotes either to Rick Santorum or Ayatollah Khomeini. I did not get all of them right, which got me thinking that perhaps Rick would be happier in a theocratic society where he gets to tell people how to behave. I wonder if Iran is hiring...
7. Be a DJIs this dub-step?
6. Get a job at the Jelly Belly factory.You know, since
he loves it there so much. I'm sure Reagan would be proud.
5. Send thank you notes to his supportersWe get a small stream of frothy hate mail from Rick Santorum Supporters. Here's one from Jeff:
YOU ARE COMPLETELY VILE.
I'D WELCOME THE OPPORTUNITY TO TAKE AWAY YOUR "RIGHT" TO POST THIS TYPE OF REPREHENSIBLE TRASH ON THE INTERNET.
Rick could use his time off to express his gratitude to his great and articulate supporters. I'm sure THEY WOULD APPRECIATE IT.
4. Jerk offI bet he needs it. And look! I even found him some PG-13 porn:
3. Go into businessHe could sell this:
2. Work on his tanSeriously, though. Rick's new-found free time would not go to waste if he used it to get out in the sun a little. Dude is pastier than I am, and I am the whitest person on Earth.
1. Gay Pornsubmitted by Bob
'Nuff said.
