Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Guess Who's Running for President Again?

From HuffPo:

Former Sen. Rick Santorum (R-Pa.) will announce Wednesday that he is running for president in 2016, ABC and the Wall Street Journal report.

Santorum will make the announcement in Butler, Pennsylvania, where he grew up.

So cue up your froth jokes, guys, cuz we've got a job to do.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Santorum All Over U.N. Disability Treaty

For the 37th time in the past 2 years, last night, "The Colbert Report" showed us exactly why & how Santorum is a stain on America.

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Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Santorum Mailbag

Unsurprisingly, there hasn't been a lot of mail since Rick's abortion of his campaign. I did want to share this with you though:

Im a student at [redacted just in case] University, I'm 17, and I'm transgender.
I would just like to say, thank you.
Have a great day.

And thus, my cold, cold heart was penetrated.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Top 10 Things Rick Santorum Can Do Now That He's No Longer Running For President

Did you hear? Rick Santorum is no longer running for president! This is a sad and joyous day for me. On the one hand, it means that I personally beat Rick Santorum and am better at everything than him. On the other hand, however, it means that making fun of him is now kind of pointless.

But, whatever, I lead a pointless life. Here's a list I made of the top 10 things Ricky can do with all his new-found free time:

10. Damage control

Reason Rally
Photo of Michael Hadida, taken by Navid Baraty

There are some vile people out there (us), and they've (we've) done a pretty good job of turning Rick Santorum's good name to shit. Literally. Trying to erase their (our) awesome Internet presence to restore the name 'Santorum' to its pure, unadulterated form is going to take a lot of time. Luckily for Rick, he has that now.

9. Read the Bible

As you and I both know, the Bible says that homosexuality is wrong. But it also says a lot of other stuff is wrong. Perhaps Rick should spend his new-found free time studying up on Biblical hairstyles and the uncleanliness of women before he spouts off about the gay. And hey, Rick, if you're too lazy to read the Bible (or don't want to be corrupted by that stuff in there about being a good person), here's a handy post I wrote about just this very subject lo those many years ago.

8. Become an Ayatollah

Santorum-spreader Ryhan made this little quiz which asks the taker to attribute quotes either to Rick Santorum or Ayatollah Khomeini. I did not get all of them right, which got me thinking that perhaps Rick would be happier in a theocratic society where he gets to tell people how to behave. I wonder if Iran is hiring...

7. Be a DJ

Submitted by Dominik

Is this dub-step?

6. Get a job at the Jelly Belly factory.

You know, since he loves it there so much. I'm sure Reagan would be proud.

5. Send thank you notes to his supporters

We get a small stream of frothy hate mail from Rick Santorum Supporters. Here's one from Jeff:

Rick could use his time off to express his gratitude to his great and articulate supporters. I'm sure THEY WOULD APPRECIATE IT.

4. Jerk off

I bet he needs it. And look! I even found him some PG-13 porn:

3. Go into business

He could sell this:

submitted by John

2. Work on his tan

Seriously, though. Rick's new-found free time would not go to waste if he used it to get out in the sun a little. Dude is pastier than I am, and I am the whitest person on Earth.

1. Gay Porn

submitted by Bob

'Nuff said.