Friday, August 26, 2011

It's Hard to Clean up Santorum

FACT: Trees are trees.
FACT: Cars are cars.
FACT: Trees are not cars.
FACT: Marriage is marriage.

It's tough to argue with such solid logic. I mean, trees are trees, and cars are indeed cars. Trees are not cars and cars are not trees. This is all definitely true.

But what it has to do with marriage, I fail to understand. After all, trees and cars are physical objects - one of them alive and one of them mechanical. Marriage, on the other hand, is at once an abstract concept, a religious sacrament, and a legal status. A particular marriage between two (or, in some cases, more) people could be any combination of those three things. Certainly two people in the United States can be legally married without involving religion, or vice-versa. A couple could also have lived together for so long that they consider themselves married, with or without a certificate saying it's so. In fact, my old roommate and I used to call each other "wifey" due to the extreme domesticity and emotional closeness in our relationship. It was a marriage, of sorts, even if it wasn't a tree or a car.

Beyond the metaphysical, however, there is a bigger reason why this argument of Santorum's doesn't work. This reason is obvious to anyone who has ever thought about anything ever, and therefore Old Frothy is unlikely to ever understand it. I don't even need to tell you what the reason is, because you almost certainly know: marriage has already been re-defined.


It's only in recent history that the majority of Western marriages have stopped being of the arranged variety. Marriages for love (or like or whatever) are now the norm. This is a major redefinition of marriage, one that I doubt even Santorum would argue against. That said, arranged marriages still happen, even in the United States. Orthodox Jews, for example, still exclusively use matchmakers to find a spouse. These marriages are different from the norm, but still entitle the married couple to the same benefits a "traditional" married couple would receive.

It also used to be common practice in the West for the families of the bride to pay a dowry to the families of the husband when an engagement took place. This was to ensure that the woman, who could not work outside the home, would be supported by her husband. This practice no longer takes place for several reasons, not the least of which being that women are seen as a little more useful these day than they had been in the past. Certainly the disappearance of the dowry is a redefinition of marriage with which Santorum would not take issue.

Even in the Bible, we can see marriage evolve. In the Old Testament, nearly all the marriages were polygamous. Men of status had a veritable harem of wives and lovers, with whom they had many children. In the New Testament, this practice disappears, leaving married women with a social status that was slightly more elevated than before. I highly doubt that this redefinition of marriage from polygamy to monogamy is something Santorum abhors.

FACT: Marriage, like trees that grow from saplings to giants and come in many different species, is a multi-faceted and ever-changing concept.
FACT: Marriage, like cars that have increasingly become smarter, faster, and more fuel efficient, has evolved with the times.
FACT: Santorum is the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex.

8 comments:

  1. What about hybrid trees? Trees intermixing, the horror.
    What about when a car maker merges with another car maker? Same method of production marriage (same sex)
    Of course the solid fact that Santorum is the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex, is undeniable.

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  2. I also love Santorum's attitude that marriage in America is a religious institution, steeped in the traditions of our founders. The first marriages performed in Plymouth Colony were civil ceremonies. This was because the Pilgrims deliberately regarded marriage as a legal contract, NOT a religious sacrament. The only ceremonies they identified as Christian were communion and baptism.

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  3. Throughout the history of automobiles, trees have been cut down for their lumber, and the wood derived from them has been incorporated (to varying degrees) into the construction of many models of automobiles. Therefore, it can be argued that trees are often a part of cars.

    Conversely, exhaust fumes emitted by cars with combustion engines contains large amounts of carbon dioxide, one of the key components that facilitate photosynthesis, thus giving life to trees.

    It is Rick Santorum's myopic inability to recognize the general theme of cohesiveness throughout the universe that has earned him his rightful reputation as a hateful, delusional fool. Ok, so I get Santorum's intended line of thinking, but Santorum fails to understand that marriage has been evolving and non-homogenous since its inception.

    You bring up a number of very useful and informative points about the history of marriage and how it varies among cultures and subcultures, as well as how it has evolved throughout history as an institution.

    Inasmuch as the government is concerned, marriage is a legal contract. Period. Why would we, as a culture, allow homosexual relationships, but not encourage them to be stable and long term? Who benefits from that? Perennial losing closet-case fringe political candidates without a real job, I suppose.

    To all of these "small government" politicians who espouse the enactment of laws to protect "the sanctity of marriage", I suggest they break out a dictionary and look up the definition of "sanctity"...

    sanc·ti·ty Noun/ˈsaNG(k)titē/
    1. The state or quality of being holy, sacred, or saintly.

    How could they possibly defend establishing an amendment to the Constitution to defend that?

    How Santorum ever polls higher than 0.0% perplexes me. If Rick Santorum were to eventually be outed and exposed as another over-compensating self-hating closet case like Marcus Bachmann, Larry Craig, or Mark Foley, would anyone be shocked at all?

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  4. Call it what you want, but two men or two women cannot consumate a marriage. Matrimony literally means one matron or woman. Monogamy literally means one fertilized egg cell. Marriage literally means a union of two separate entities to create one. Mate is a term with its root meaning a union ofmegg and sperm. Gamate or gamete is a fertilized egg cell. Every state allows a marriage to be annuled for not comsummating the marriage. No matter how hard you try you can not impregnate a turd.

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  5. Matrimony: the state of being married, marriage.

    Monogamy: marriage with only one person at a time.

    Marriage:
    a. the social institution under which a man and woman establish their decision to live as husband and wife by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, etc.
    b. a similar institution involving partners of the same gender: gay marriage.

    Mate: husband or wife; spouse.

    Source: dictionary.com

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  6. Corninmypooh, (and what a delightful name it is...) have you heard of etymology? It is the study of word origins, and etymology is provided in the dictionary along with definitions!

    Matrimony does not "literally mean" one woman. It comes from the Latin "mater," meaning "mother." Gay, married women can be mothers, and excellent ones at that. So can straight women who are not married.

    Monogamy does not "literally mean" one fertilized egg. It comes from the Greek words "mon," meaning one, and "gamein," meaning marriage. Gay couples can be monogamous, and many straight couples fail to be.

    Yes, marriage means a union of two entities to create one. But nowhere do I see a reference in the dictionary to this creation being a biological child. Marriages create all sorts of things like partnerships and families. There are many ways to go about doing this.

    For mate, there are early references (15th century) to the word as a pair for breeding. But it's used even earlier (14th century) to mean simply "companion." See how things change over time?

    And yes, a gamete is a fertilized egg cell. I'm not sure what your point is on that one, because consummating a marriage doesn't mean having to fertilize an egg. And regardless of the specifics of consummation, you may also want to research annulment a bit more. The vast majority of states do not allow annulment due to incapacity to consummate the marriage. Marriage isn't about sex: neither how people have it or whether it leads to babies. Look it up.

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  7. "Corninmypooh" (stunningly appropriate nom-de-plume!) spewed thus-wise - "No matter how hard you try you can not impregnate a turd."

    I'd have to take issue with that remark, corny. Unless you are the by-product of spontaneous parthenogenesis (doubtful) YOUR father seems to have done a STERLING job!

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