Wednesday, January 4, 2012

A Heartfelt Apology From A Regretful Iowan

As a lifelong Iowan (born & raised & still residing), I sincerely, profusely, self-flagellatingly apologize on behalf of all forward-thinking Iowans for allowing Santorum to be #2 in our caucus last night. 

Honestly, we didn't think he'd make it in the top 3, let alone the top 2, & a sickeningly close #2 at that.

For Republicans, Santorum was the last possible rung down the "I'm Not Romney (or Ron Paul)" ladder. Every other non-Romney (& non-Paul) candidate had their moment at the top of the heap, but then imploded under the spotlight. 

Perry, Bachmann, Cain, Gingrich--each one of them had their moment in the sun, & then they said or did something so incredibly stupid/crazy/bizarre that voters finally realized that he/she was not a viable candidate in the long run.

(E.g., Bachmann's HPV vaccine statement, Cain's slow & ignorant response to a question about Libya, Perry's "3rd government agency" that he couldn't remember, & Gingrich's many egotistical statements.)

Santorum apparently lucked out by having his flavor-of-the-month moment occur RIGHT before the caucus--& then not having enough time before the caucus to say something incredibly stupid/crazy/bizarre, while the media & people were paying very close attention..  

But i'll wager that Santorum that will soon say something so incredibly stupid/crazy/bizarre, it'll make primary voters abandon shit.

Even without an implosion, it should be apparent to most that Santorum won't be the nominee. And so it's not really surprising that Santorum almost won the Iowa caucus. 

The history of Iowa caucus Republicans show they're more likely to pick a candidate who doesn't get the nomination. In the past 5 caucuses where the incumbent Republican President was not a candidate, Iowa Repubs have been wrong 3 of 5: 
  • Huckabee won the Iowa caucus in 2008 (but McCain got the nom--in fact, McCain came in 4th in the caucus)
  • Dole won the caucus in '88 (but Bush Sr. got the nom--in fact, Bush Sr. came in 3rd in the caucus, & Pat Fucking Robertson came in 2nd) 
  • Bush Sr. won the caucus in 1980 (but Reagan got the nominatiion)

On the other hand, Iowa caucus Democrats have shown themselves to be more likely to correctly pick the candidate that gets the nomination. In the past 5 caucuses where the incumbent Dem President was not a candidate, the Iowa Dems have been right 3 of 5: 
  • Obama in 2008
  • Kerry in 2004
  • Gore in 2000

Actually, going back to 1980, the Iowa Dems have correctly picked the nominee 5 out of 7 times. (See Iowa caucuses.)

Once again, I'm truly, deeply, profoundly sorry. Now this asshole believes he has a shot at becoming the nominee.


  1. The best showing that Pat Robertson had during his run for prez back in 1988 was right here in Washington State. His 'victory' may be one of the reasons we ditched the caucus system. Talk about humiliating

  2. Hey, I'm from Texas. Now you know how I feel for being "responsible" for a decade of disastrous ultra-conservative policy and another Retardlickan candidate that, thankfully, has been reduced to a spot of Santorum on the stain of the GOP nomination process.

  3. But look at Junior Buttlejuice's innocent eyes!

    I say thanks to Iowa for making this a contest, a bloody and yes, frothy, contest.

  4. I accept your apology for your state helping Santorum surge from Romney's behind.

    What a guy.

  5. Could you posts some pictures of your self-flagellation?

    [Don't forget those of us in Iowa who caucused for Obama 4 years ago.]

  6. Honestly, though; I agree w. Mr. Magruder: at least this makes things a lot more interesting... Not least of which being the new activity at this site.

    Although if you've got blood in your santorum, you might want to get that checked. Unless you're also into flagellation, then you're doing it right.

  7. I wish all Americans would stop and consider the effect that whoever they choose as President, affects the rest of the world.

    But when I read that Santorum had the blessings of a disgraced ex-Aussie in Murdoch, I knew we (the world) have a serious problem arising.

    Why aren't/isn't, campaign funding made public before elections instead of being buried afterwards?

  8. *adolescent sniggering*

    Santorum... number two... poop!

  9. a great youtube about Iowa by obviously a Democrat called "Iowa Nice!"

    "A response to national media coverage of our beloved home state."

  10. Personally, I refer to this idiot as "Dictorum", because, honestly, his dick is probably more intellectual than he is.

  11. Evangelicals excited as Santorum surges from Behind

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