Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Santorum Mailbag OR Holy Shit That's A Lot Of Mail

Guys I'm sorry I've been neglecting you! I have been very busy offending everyone on the Internet by not liking Ron Paul or being nice about it. I'm sure you understand.

Anyway, here's a sample of the approximately 20 grillion messages I've received of late:

I think this wins headline of the year. It is too good for them to not have realized what they were doing.

Yep. This headline was so good that fourteen million people sent it to me. It's hard to imagine that the journalists responsible aren't doing this on purpose. For my personal amusement. Thank you, journalists!

You know how we keep hearing about Santorum's "Surge" in popularity? Better use that Santorum Surge Protector.


Yay!

Not sure what the origin of this is, but my friend showed me a picture today that is a mosaic of Rick Santorum made up of photos of gay porn. Thought you might enjoy it.


Actually, everyone who didn't email me about the Cumming Rally emailed me about this image. I have to say, I really admire the creativity and tenacity of you santorum fans.

See this week's This Modern World.
That's great! I won't repost it because, unlike the maker of the above gay porn masterpiece, Tom Tomorrow actually makes a living off his work. But you should all look at it.

Hi,

I just watched the movie milk with sean penn and i want to find out how i can help human rights in america

Kind Regards

A belgian dude
First of all, I'd like to say that I find it both humbling and hilarious that you chose us as your vehicle for "helping human rights in america." It's great that you want to help, Belgian dude, but I'm not actually sure what you can do (except, of course, to donate to organizations like the ACLU and the Human Rights Campaign).

The fact is that human rights in America are on a fucking roll right now. Our "gay agenda" to "normalize homosexuality" by clearly illustrating that gay people are, in fact, normal is working, and moderates are beginning to realize that denying rights to gay people is totally bullshit. Among our recent legislative victories is the ever-increasing number of states that allow gay marriage. I think it's fair to assume that re-electing Obama for a second term will mean the legalization of marriage equality on a federal level. But these are things that you need to be able to vote (and donate to political campaigns) in the US to help accomplish. I think the best help you can offer us is to wish us well. As long as none of these ass-backwards Republicans get elected in November, we'll be good.

Saw your blog. What happened in your childhood to turn you into such a mean petty bitch? Go fuck yourself and replace those batteries in your vibrator you fucking cunt
This actually came to my personal email address, so I can't guarantee that it's actually in reference to this blog, but let's assume it is because my other blog is mostly about clothes I want and boys I have crushes on.

Anyway... ahem... I don't use a vibrator because I actually get laid unlike you, you fucking piece of shit. Go die or whatever. I'm telling my mom.

gingrich (ging-RICH) n. 1. a threadbare fabric constructed of dried sperm, cum, and pubic hair. 2. Former US Representative Newt Gingrich

Add to:

www.spreadingromney.com

www.spreadingsantorum.com

Thank you.
Man, we didn't even make Spreading Romney. That was an inspired fan much like yourself. If I were you, however, I probably wouldn't waste my money on Gingrich, since his campaign is deader than Rick Santorum's sex life. BADUM-CHA.

Dear Mr. Santorum:

How do you feel about the use of contraception?

Charlie
Seriously. I'd say about once a week, somebody (apparently) mistakes Spreading Santorum for Rick Santorum's actual website and sends an email intended for him to me. Of course, I always do the dutiful thing and forward it along to Rick's campaign. I'm not a monster.

They bottled it.


So they did. Too bad about the Ron Paul buttons, though.

6 comments:

  1. If you ever mention a fact or two about Ron Paul, prepare yourself to be attacked by his anti-science brigade. Aside from the Tea Party strongholds, here are some of the bigger groups endorsing Ron Paul that will attack your inbox:



    The Autistic Olympics

    Moms Against Healthcare

    The National Association for the Quiet Distrust of Colored People

    The Libertarian Alchemist's Collective

    The National Federation for the Privatization of Hispanics

    The Bay Area Overpass Political Graffiti Club

    Lesbian Daughters of the Confederacy

    Daughters of the Thermal Depolymerization Revolution

    Babies for a Tax-Free America

    The Cat Hoarder Legal Defense Fund

    The League of Assassins

    Snake Canyon Peacekeeping

    Society for the Acceptance of Public Erections

    Death Row Inmates Against School Lunches

    The Society of Female Sideburns

    Big Game Hunters Against the Endangered Species List

    The Megaphone Nuisance League


    Swamp Loggers Against Net Neutrality

    Coalition to Deregulate the Age of Consent

    Brotherhood of Lone Nut Gunmen

    South Park Fans for Equivocation

    North American Man-Gold Love Association

    SoCal Objectivist Boardgamers Guild

    Power Bottoms for Privatized Utilities

    Free Market Diaper Enthusiasts

    The Fringe Militia Friendship Network

    Citizens for an FDA-Free America

    The Caucasian Bow Tie Bloc

    Expatriate BitCoin Enthusiasts of Kuala Lampur

    Moms for Legalized Whaling

    Dads & Grads Against Public Libraries

    The Indoor Helmet League

    Council on Untested Meats

    The Ayn Rand Crossdresser's Guild

    The Gold Standard Cheese of the Month Club

    The National League of Crackpots

    Land Barons for Legalized Slavery

    The Humboldt Secessionist Society

    The Unashamed Public Dogfucker Alliance

    UFO Believers for Challenger Disaster Research

    The Tax-Free Raccoon Exchange

    The Private Sector Supercollider Society

    The National Network of Insufferable Guys at Your Office

    Committee for Neck-Beard Deregulation

    Citizens for WWE Truth

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    Replies
    1. No, seriously: I am in love with you.

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  2. I nearly fell out of my chair laughing at that news headline, still giggling.

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  3. According to Wordsmith/anagram, rick j santorum is a major cunt risk.
    http://wordsmith.org/anagram/anagram.cgi?anagram=rick+j+santorum&t=1000&a=n

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  4. you forgot the groups that support ron paul the most: army, air force, navy ... and everyone for real peace. ha, you liberal sheep crack me up. keep the military industrial complex going! vote obama! four more wars! four more wars! ps ron paul's not anti science at all. he is for freedom. freedom to practice whatever beliefs you want. whats wrong with that? this website is extremely hypocritical.

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  5. Fuck you, or, more appropriately, butt fuck you, you Godless fetus flushing analphiles. Yours is a worldview so petty, so trivial, so localized, so earth bound, so unworthy of the

    ReplyDelete