Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Top 10 Things Rick Santorum Can Do Now That He's No Longer Running For President

Did you hear? Rick Santorum is no longer running for president! This is a sad and joyous day for me. On the one hand, it means that I personally beat Rick Santorum and am better at everything than him. On the other hand, however, it means that making fun of him is now kind of pointless.

But, whatever, I lead a pointless life. Here's a list I made of the top 10 things Ricky can do with all his new-found free time:

10. Damage control


Reason Rally
Photo of Michael Hadida, taken by Navid Baraty

There are some vile people out there (us), and they've (we've) done a pretty good job of turning Rick Santorum's good name to shit. Literally. Trying to erase their (our) awesome Internet presence to restore the name 'Santorum' to its pure, unadulterated form is going to take a lot of time. Luckily for Rick, he has that now.

9. Read the Bible


As you and I both know, the Bible says that homosexuality is wrong. But it also says a lot of other stuff is wrong. Perhaps Rick should spend his new-found free time studying up on Biblical hairstyles and the uncleanliness of women before he spouts off about the gay. And hey, Rick, if you're too lazy to read the Bible (or don't want to be corrupted by that stuff in there about being a good person), here's a handy post I wrote about just this very subject lo those many years ago.

8. Become an Ayatollah


Santorum-spreader Ryhan made this little quiz which asks the taker to attribute quotes either to Rick Santorum or Ayatollah Khomeini. I did not get all of them right, which got me thinking that perhaps Rick would be happier in a theocratic society where he gets to tell people how to behave. I wonder if Iran is hiring...

7. Be a DJ


Submitted by Dominik

Is this dub-step?

6. Get a job at the Jelly Belly factory.

You know, since he loves it there so much. I'm sure Reagan would be proud.

5. Send thank you notes to his supporters

We get a small stream of frothy hate mail from Rick Santorum Supporters. Here's one from Jeff:
YOU ARE COMPLETELY VILE.

I'D WELCOME THE OPPORTUNITY TO TAKE AWAY YOUR "RIGHT" TO POST THIS TYPE OF REPREHENSIBLE TRASH ON THE INTERNET.
Rick could use his time off to express his gratitude to his great and articulate supporters. I'm sure THEY WOULD APPRECIATE IT.

4. Jerk off

I bet he needs it. And look! I even found him some PG-13 porn:


3. Go into business

He could sell this:


submitted by John

2. Work on his tan


Seriously, though. Rick's new-found free time would not go to waste if he used it to get out in the sun a little. Dude is pastier than I am, and I am the whitest person on Earth.

1. Gay Porn


submitted by Bob

'Nuff said.

8 comments:

  1. I recently contacted the Santorum campaign to object to the "Pretend it's Obama" comment made by one of the bastard's supporters while he was shooting at that firing range. In retaliation, they added me to his campaign mailing list, an act I consider to be disgustingly cowardly and unprofessional. I'm not normally one to support the whole ridicule thing, but THANK YOU for this site. Santorum deserves to be characterized as a by-product of anal sex. We don't need an American Taliban in this country.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sorry to laugh at your misfortune, but it's kind of hilarious that they would add you to their mailing list.

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  2. I was hoping he would leave the race in a body bag.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wasn't. Then I really would be out of a job. Plus, you know, I only wish death upon Dick Cheney. AND HE KEEPS CHEATING IT IT'S NOT FAIR!!!

      Delete
  3. Clever, witty and provacative. Love your work dude. Hopefully we will never see another Rick Santorum running for public office anywhere

    ReplyDelete
  4. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FoAKXmarr0k

    I still love this one!

    ReplyDelete
  5. It's about time that Santorum was wiped out.

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete