Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Top 10 Things Rick Santorum Can Do Now That He's No Longer Running For President

Did you hear? Rick Santorum is no longer running for president! This is a sad and joyous day for me. On the one hand, it means that I personally beat Rick Santorum and am better at everything than him. On the other hand, however, it means that making fun of him is now kind of pointless.

But, whatever, I lead a pointless life. Here's a list I made of the top 10 things Ricky can do with all his new-found free time:

10. Damage control


Reason Rally
Photo of Michael Hadida, taken by Navid Baraty

There are some vile people out there (us), and they've (we've) done a pretty good job of turning Rick Santorum's good name to shit. Literally. Trying to erase their (our) awesome Internet presence to restore the name 'Santorum' to its pure, unadulterated form is going to take a lot of time. Luckily for Rick, he has that now.

9. Read the Bible


As you and I both know, the Bible says that homosexuality is wrong. But it also says a lot of other stuff is wrong. Perhaps Rick should spend his new-found free time studying up on Biblical hairstyles and the uncleanliness of women before he spouts off about the gay. And hey, Rick, if you're too lazy to read the Bible (or don't want to be corrupted by that stuff in there about being a good person), here's a handy post I wrote about just this very subject lo those many years ago.

8. Become an Ayatollah


Santorum-spreader Ryhan made this little quiz which asks the taker to attribute quotes either to Rick Santorum or Ayatollah Khomeini. I did not get all of them right, which got me thinking that perhaps Rick would be happier in a theocratic society where he gets to tell people how to behave. I wonder if Iran is hiring...

7. Be a DJ


Submitted by Dominik

Is this dub-step?

6. Get a job at the Jelly Belly factory.

You know, since he loves it there so much. I'm sure Reagan would be proud.

5. Send thank you notes to his supporters

We get a small stream of frothy hate mail from Rick Santorum Supporters. Here's one from Jeff:
YOU ARE COMPLETELY VILE.

I'D WELCOME THE OPPORTUNITY TO TAKE AWAY YOUR "RIGHT" TO POST THIS TYPE OF REPREHENSIBLE TRASH ON THE INTERNET.
Rick could use his time off to express his gratitude to his great and articulate supporters. I'm sure THEY WOULD APPRECIATE IT.

4. Jerk off

I bet he needs it. And look! I even found him some PG-13 porn:


3. Go into business

He could sell this:


submitted by John

2. Work on his tan


Seriously, though. Rick's new-found free time would not go to waste if he used it to get out in the sun a little. Dude is pastier than I am, and I am the whitest person on Earth.

1. Gay Porn


submitted by Bob

'Nuff said.

55 comments:

  1. I recently contacted the Santorum campaign to object to the "Pretend it's Obama" comment made by one of the bastard's supporters while he was shooting at that firing range. In retaliation, they added me to his campaign mailing list, an act I consider to be disgustingly cowardly and unprofessional. I'm not normally one to support the whole ridicule thing, but THANK YOU for this site. Santorum deserves to be characterized as a by-product of anal sex. We don't need an American Taliban in this country.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sorry to laugh at your misfortune, but it's kind of hilarious that they would add you to their mailing list.

      Delete
  2. I was hoping he would leave the race in a body bag.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wasn't. Then I really would be out of a job. Plus, you know, I only wish death upon Dick Cheney. AND HE KEEPS CHEATING IT IT'S NOT FAIR!!!

      Delete
  3. Clever, witty and provacative. Love your work dude. Hopefully we will never see another Rick Santorum running for public office anywhere

    ReplyDelete
  4. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FoAKXmarr0k

    I still love this one!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    2. Your attachment doesn't open

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  5. It's about time that Santorum was wiped out.

    ReplyDelete
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  9. Rick just needs to 1) Quit wasting money, no one wants him to be president and 2) sorry I know he must have thought running again would distract him from having to finally coming out of the closet.

    ReplyDelete
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  38. وجود الموظفين المدربين بشكل صحيح يضمن أن شركه تنظيف بالرياض سوف تعطيك خدمة تنظيف متوفرة. ومن المهم أيضا التأكد من أن الموظفين وتدريبهم بشكل صحيح لخاصية معينة (مثل الأرضيات ومكاتب) يمكن عن طريق الخطأ خدشها إذا تم تنظيفها بشكل خاطئ، لذلك نعلم أن موظفي شركه تنظيف تم تدريبهم بشكل صحيح في التنظيف والتأكد من أن خدوش الهواة نتيجة للتنظيف بشكل غير صحيح لن يحدث.
    شركه تنظيف شقق بالرياض كثيرة. ولكن ما يميزنا عن غيرنا هو جودة الخدمات لدينا وولائنا للعملاء حيث أن أهم شىء بالنسبة لنا هو راحة العملاء. نحن متاحون طوال الأسبوع لذلك لا تقلق إذا كانت هناك حالة طارئة
    شركه تنظيف فلل بالرياض عادة ما تكون متاحة من الاثنين حتى السبت مع العمل نصف يوم في عطلة نهاية الأسبوع. ولكننا نعمل علي مدار الأسبوع.
    تسربات المياه يمكن أن تحدث في أي وقت دون أي تحذير، وقد يكون الوقت متأخرا جدا قبل أن يعرف أحد في المنزل عنهم. للكشف عن مثل هذه التسريبات نحن نقدم شركه كشف تسربات المياه بالرياض حيث نقوم بإستخدام جهاز إلكتروني للكشف عن التسريبات و يتم وضعه في المكان الذيمن الممكن أن يحدث فيه تسرب.
    من الخدمات الأساسية التى نقوم بتقديمها هي نقل وتخزين الأثاث فى السعودية وتنقسم الي شركه تخزين الأثاث بالرياض و إنشاء مسار واضح ودون عائق للأثاث الذي تحركه. تأكد من أن جميع الأطفال والحيوانات الأليفة بعيدين عن طريق الأذى قبل بدء التحرك والتواصل مع الآخرين الذين يساعدون و أنت تتحرك. شركه نقل اثاث بالرياض ، ومما لا شك فيه أن الجميع يبحث عن الطرق الخاصة بنقل الاثاث على اعلى درجة ممكنة من الأمان ؛ حتى لا تتعرض المنقولات لحدوث أى تلف أو ضرر.و يمكنك ايضا الاستعانو ب شركه نقل عفش بالرياض
    هناك العديد من التساؤلات التى تدور فى ذهن كل منا حول مدى تأثير المبيدات الحشرية التى نستخدمها فى المنزل على الأطفال أو الحيوانات وماهى المواد السامة التى تحتوى عليها وتكون فتاكة بالنسبة للحشرات ، خدماتنا فى مجال مكافحة الحشرات عالية جداً حيث نقدم شركه مكافحة حشرات بالرياض.
    القضاء على الفئران عن طريق المصيدة التى توضع للفأر ويوضع له فيها الطعام المحبب للفئران الذى تعشقه الفئران ومن هذه الاطعمة الجبن بكل أنواعها وخاصة الانواع الغالية منها مثل الرومى أو الريكفورد أو الشيدر ومن الاطعمة المحببة للفئران أيضا الطماطم المخلوطة بالدقيق أو شرائح الدجاج المخلية و نحن نقدم شركه مكافحة الفئران بالرياض.

    ReplyDelete
  39. شركه الاوائل من اهم الشركات التى تعمل فى مجال التنظيف وتتمتع بتاريخ عريق فى مجال التنظيف وبالاخص فى تنظيف الكنب فاذا اردت ان تشعر بالفرق الواضح بينا وبين اى شركه اخرى تقوم بنفس الخدمة فعليك ان تستعن وتتصل ب شركه تنظيف كنب بالرياض على الفور وتاكد انك سوف تشعر بالفرق الواضح بينا وبين اى شركه تقوم بنفس الخدمة على الاطلاق.
    لا تترد في الحصول علي شركه مكافحة حشرات بالرياض من شركه الأوائل للتخلص للأبد من إزعاج الصراصير و النمل الأبيض و البق و غيرها و الحفاظ علي منزلك نظيف و جميل.
    البقع الناتجة عن فضلات النمل الأبيض أن تسبب مشكلة صعبة حقا بالنسبة لأصحاب المنازل. ويمكن أن تكون عنيدة جدا ويصعب إزالتها في بعض الأحيان ولكن شركه مكافحة النمل الابيض جنوب الرياض هذا لن يكون سببا للقلق بالنسبة لك بعد الآن حيث أننا الأفضل في مجال تنظيف و مكافحة الحشرات بشهادة عملائنا السابقيين و الحاليين.

    ReplyDelete
  40. مع شركة اركان المملكه انت فى ايدى امينه لاننا بكل امان وحرفيه فى كافه المجالات الحديثه والعصريه
    شركة كشف تسربات المياه بجازان
    لدينا الخبره الكبيره فى مجال كشف التسربات اليوميه والتى من الافضل الاهتمام الكامل والشامل بها
    شركة نقل اثاث بجازان
    هكذا نحن معك دائما فى مجال التسليك والمكافحه فى كل وقت وكل مكان ندعمك بكل جهد
    شركة تسليك مجارى بجازان
    وايضا فى مدينه نجران لسنا الوحيدون ولكننا متميزون عن غيرنا فى كافه المجالات
    شركة تسليك مجارى بنجران
    ولدينا الخبره الطويله فى رش المبيدات والمكافحه بكل وقت وكل مكان
    شركة رش مبيدات بجازان
    ولدينا ايضا باع طويل فى المقاولات لاننا شركة متماسكه ولها الافضليه الكبيره فى هذا المجال
    شركة مقاولات بجازان
    نتعامل باقل الاسعار الممكنه والمتاحه لدى العميل والوصول الى الدقه الكامله

    ReplyDelete
  41. مع اركان المملكه انت الافضل دائما وهكذا نتعامل بكل صدق والعمل الجاد والوافر فى هذا المجال مجال التنظيف
    شركة تنظيف بالاحساءاذا معنا انت فى ايدى امينه نتعامل معك باقل الاسعار الممكنه فى كافه المجالات
    اذا اتصلوا نصلكم فى كل وقت وكل مكان لدينا الامكانيات الوفيره والكامله من اجل العمل الجاد والدئوب
    العمل بامانه سمه من سمات شركة اركان المملكه التى لها باع طويل فلى العمل اليومى والفعالشركة مكافحه حشرات بالاحساءاذا نحن نتقدم اليك باقل السعار المتاحه والممكنه فى مجال التنظيف والمكافحه على حد سواء
    اتصلوا نصلكم فى كل وقت وكل مكان فى كافه ارجاء المملكه السعوديهشركة تنظيف بالطائفمعنا انت الافضل دائما بالمملكه نقدم لكم العمل الجاد والهادف والفعال

    ReplyDelete

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