Tuesday, February 28, 2012

GUYS THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT

Santorum comes from behind in Alabama three-way.

That is all.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Santorum Mailbag OR Holy Shit That's A Lot Of Mail

Guys I'm sorry I've been neglecting you! I have been very busy offending everyone on the Internet by not liking Ron Paul or being nice about it. I'm sure you understand.

Anyway, here's a sample of the approximately 20 grillion messages I've received of late:

I think this wins headline of the year. It is too good for them to not have realized what they were doing.

Yep. This headline was so good that fourteen million people sent it to me. It's hard to imagine that the journalists responsible aren't doing this on purpose. For my personal amusement. Thank you, journalists!

You know how we keep hearing about Santorum's "Surge" in popularity? Better use that Santorum Surge Protector.


Yay!

Not sure what the origin of this is, but my friend showed me a picture today that is a mosaic of Rick Santorum made up of photos of gay porn. Thought you might enjoy it.


Actually, everyone who didn't email me about the Cumming Rally emailed me about this image. I have to say, I really admire the creativity and tenacity of you santorum fans.

See this week's This Modern World.
That's great! I won't repost it because, unlike the maker of the above gay porn masterpiece, Tom Tomorrow actually makes a living off his work. But you should all look at it.

Hi,

I just watched the movie milk with sean penn and i want to find out how i can help human rights in america

Kind Regards

A belgian dude
First of all, I'd like to say that I find it both humbling and hilarious that you chose us as your vehicle for "helping human rights in america." It's great that you want to help, Belgian dude, but I'm not actually sure what you can do (except, of course, to donate to organizations like the ACLU and the Human Rights Campaign).

The fact is that human rights in America are on a fucking roll right now. Our "gay agenda" to "normalize homosexuality" by clearly illustrating that gay people are, in fact, normal is working, and moderates are beginning to realize that denying rights to gay people is totally bullshit. Among our recent legislative victories is the ever-increasing number of states that allow gay marriage. I think it's fair to assume that re-electing Obama for a second term will mean the legalization of marriage equality on a federal level. But these are things that you need to be able to vote (and donate to political campaigns) in the US to help accomplish. I think the best help you can offer us is to wish us well. As long as none of these ass-backwards Republicans get elected in November, we'll be good.

Saw your blog. What happened in your childhood to turn you into such a mean petty bitch? Go fuck yourself and replace those batteries in your vibrator you fucking cunt
This actually came to my personal email address, so I can't guarantee that it's actually in reference to this blog, but let's assume it is because my other blog is mostly about clothes I want and boys I have crushes on.

Anyway... ahem... I don't use a vibrator because I actually get laid unlike you, you fucking piece of shit. Go die or whatever. I'm telling my mom.

gingrich (ging-RICH) n. 1. a threadbare fabric constructed of dried sperm, cum, and pubic hair. 2. Former US Representative Newt Gingrich

Add to:

www.spreadingromney.com

www.spreadingsantorum.com

Thank you.
Man, we didn't even make Spreading Romney. That was an inspired fan much like yourself. If I were you, however, I probably wouldn't waste my money on Gingrich, since his campaign is deader than Rick Santorum's sex life. BADUM-CHA.

Dear Mr. Santorum:

How do you feel about the use of contraception?

Charlie
Seriously. I'd say about once a week, somebody (apparently) mistakes Spreading Santorum for Rick Santorum's actual website and sends an email intended for him to me. Of course, I always do the dutiful thing and forward it along to Rick's campaign. I'm not a monster.

They bottled it.


So they did. Too bad about the Ron Paul buttons, though.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

"The Daily Show" & "The Colbert Report" on Santorum on Our Religious Freedom (To Live As Santorum & Other Catholics Say)


"The Daily Show" on Santorum on Little G.I. Janie (2/14/12)

Santorum on Romney (and "santorum" on Romney?)

In the latest ad from Santorum (big "S"), it appears that Romney is shooting out santorum (little "s"), & Romney even gets some santorum on himself.

The substance in the ad is supposed to be mud, but it also looks like a frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex (aka "santorum")--and it's not being "slung"; it's being shot out of (the orifice of) a gun.

This apparently unintended "santorum" joke should be obvious to anyone familiar with the neologism. So was anyone in the Santorum camp in on the joke?

Santorum has never been one to laugh off the neologism "santorum", so it seems highly unlikely that Santorum is even aware of the joke--which makes Santorum an even bigger dumbass than we'd thought.

Still, the message of the ad is clear: You mess with the bull, you get the horns. And you mess with Santorum, you get the santorum.

Or maybe it's: Fight fire with fire. And fight Santorum with santorum.

Or maybe: I'm wearing a rubber, and you're glue. Whatever you shoot out that looks like santorum will not stick to me but will in fact be all over you.

Or something.



Wait--it appears that the santorum on Romney may not have come out of Romney's gunhole! Did Santorum shoot that santorum at Romney? (This is known as the "2nd shooter" theory.) So maybe after Romney & Santorum's wild tussle, they BOTH had some santorum stored up?!

Whatever the message is supposed to be, this much IS clear: Romney & Santorum are doing anal sex incorrectly. When you're all done having anal sex (gay or straight), you DON'T want to end up with santorum.

So America, when you're in the voting booth, please do anal sex correctly, so that we don't all end up with Santorum.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Santorum Came To Washington Yesterday


And so did gay marriage!

(I have no idea where this image originated. I stole it from a friend's facebook wall or timeline or whatever they're calling it now...)

Friday, February 10, 2012

Rick Santorum is Good at Winning Caucuses

You may have noticed that Rick Santorum won three Republican primary contests this Tuesday: the Colorado and Minnesota Caucuses and the Missouri Primary. I think the real lesson of the contests that the namesake of our favorite anal sex byproduct won isn't that Rick Santorum is surging in popularity, but instead that he's very good at winning things almost no one shows up for.

Caucuses by nature are built around people who are the most politically passionate. In Democratic caucuses, this benefits a candidate who is a bit further to the left, and his success in caucuses was a big key towards President Obama's run to the Democratic nomination four years ago. But, as being too far to the left is considered completely unacceptable in our political climate, a socialist group is unable to highjack the proceedings. Things are different in the Republican, where you have two groups of complete whack jobs who are viewed as being a part of the conservative mainstream: the Ron Paul Libertarians and the extreme Religious Right. These people are more passionate than your average conservative, and are more willing to spend their time attending a caucus.

Think of it this way: following the Florida Primary, won by Mitt Romney, a fair amount of attention was paid to the low turnout rate. About 8.5% of Florida's population showed up to vote in the Republican primary. Compare that to Colorado, where just over 1% of the state population participated in the caucus, and Minnesota, where less than 1% participated. And while Santorum had a strong showing in Missouri's primary, that primary was merely symbolic and awarded no delegates. As a result, Missouri's Republican Primary only drew from 4% of the state's population.

What's the conclusion to draw from this? Santorum does have a following. In Midwest states, he is the social conservative candidate of choice. But we won't know if he's become the social conservative candidate of the south until March. More importantly, we have no evidence to this point that Santorum can win anything that a significant portion of a state's population actually shows up to. Until he does that, Santorum is merely the King of Contests Nobody Gives a Shit About. And while that may parlay a better contract for him with Fox News this fall, itt will not get him the Republican nomination and certainly would not allow him to even put up a competitive race against President Obama in the General Election.

Tricky Rick (Makes Me Sick)


Stern on Santorum: "Throw him off the f***ing stage..."

Note: In this clip, there's 1 or 2 naughty words other than "Santorum".

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

OH. MY. GOD.

My new best friend Doug just emailed me this:


I am so happy to live in the world right now. And, if I were a consumer of porn (the kind you have to pay for, anyway), I'd totally support HotMovies.com for being even more vile than we are.

God, I hope Rick knows about this...

Comment of the Day

From a dude called "Immigrant":
I'm glad you're standing up against Paul. I swear it's like no internet person is ever willing to criticize him. Libertarianism clearly doesn't protect people. I'm glad that the federal government makes poisoning food illegal, pays money to disabled people, and that they attempt to protect our money from risky bank practices (FDIC) and that is just three examples! The fed certainly isn't perfect, but getting rid of them is just a stupid knee-jerk response. It's the same reason why I gave up believing in anarchism, it's completely ridiculous!

The point of this website is to oppose the homophobic Santorum, but when your response to oppose a homophobe is to support another homophobe then that makes no sense whatsoever!!
And now, back to complaining about Santorum, which is all over my bedsheets.**

*Is he illegal? Probably because he hates freedom.***
**Again.***
***THOSE WERE JOKES!

No, Ron Paul Is Not Better Than Rick Santorum

Ron Paul's supporters are few, but they are vocal. I was surprised, at first, when they appeared on this site (and following us on twitter). I thought, "surely these people are Republicans. What do they want with us?" As I paid closer attention, however, I learned that Ron Paul's supporters are not, for the most part, Republicans (at least not here): they are idiots.

Let me qualify: I'm sure many of their idiocies are temporary and caused by being in college and/or smoking too much weed and/or not understanding the world at all, but they are idiots all the same. AND THEY WON'T LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.

"But Jocelyn," they say, "you hate Rick Santorum and we hate Rick Santorum. We are allies! Vote for Ron Paul!"

"No," I reply, "you are an idiot."

Seriously, though. Ron Paul is a Santorum-level bigot. He doesn't support a constitutional ban on gay marriage? Big fucking deal. He still supports the rights of states to block marriage equality. He won't even piss in a gay man's bathroom. Do you seriously think he's an ally? Plus there's the whole being a big fucking racist thing. Which actually might be worse than being homophobic. Seriously, what the fuck is he thinking? And why are you supporting him? And why are you telling me that I should too?

For real.

Look, I want to end the war on drugs as much as the next greedy socialist who looks at a sweet bud and sees a shitload of tax money, but that doesn't mean I'm willing to support a guy who doesn't believe in evolution and actually thinks there's a war on Christmas to do it. Plus, you know, my penchant for socialism sort of makes me not like to support libertarians in politics. Weird, I know.

And don't even get me started on that crazy motherfucker's views on abortion. Much like his stance on gay marriage, Paul's stance on reproductive rights is to leave it up to the states. This is because he knows that Americans hate abortion perhaps even more than they hate gay marriage, and if you leave that shit up to the states you will have like five states that allow it. That is not okay. I don't believe in single-issue voting but I cannot compromise on reproductive rights. If I get knocked up tomorrow because I got drunk enough to be as stupid as a Ron Paul supporter and fucked some rando without a condom, I want to get an abortion. Because I work three hours a week for $8.65/hr and that is not baby-having money and fuck you very much but I'd much rather have an abortion than know that my kid is out being raised by some other people who might support Ron Paul.

"But Jocelyn," you will say (or "Dan," because like half of you still think I'm Dan Savage even though I'm clearly less clever. And employed...), "how can you be so mean as to call people stupid for their political beliefs. That's fascism."

"Well, random person," I'll reply, "that's actually not fascism at all and you're a fucking idiot for saying it is."

I call these people idiots not because I know anything about their cognitive abilities, but because they've allowed themselves to be duped into believing two things: 1) that libertarianism is a real thing that will make good things happen, when in fact it's the dumbest thing that will make dumb things happen, and 2) that Ron Paul is a defender of civil liberty, when he really is not. Because liberty means access to reproductive healthcare (or, in fact, any healthcare), protection from racist bigots, and having a goddamn fucking military to fight for you when shit gets rough. Also, we have to pay taxes. Get over it.

(Big thanks to commenter Jack for linking to this piece, which inspired me to call y'all a bunch of idiots. And if you see Jack, could you please inform him that he is my new boyfriend. Because not liking Ron Paul is actually my only requirement for a boyfriend.)

I Don't Know If You Guys Know This, But It Would Be Really Bad If Rick Santorum Became President

I realize that I've said several times that Rick Santorum would be the perfect Republican nominee due to his general unelectability, but I've had some time to do some thinking, and I retract my previous statement. I don't believe in fear-mongering, but the fact is that if Santorum gets the nomination, he could actually become president, and that would be really, really bad.

I mean, it's not like I think Obama isn't likely to win in 2012: It's just that if something catastrophic happens (another economic meltdown, a terrorist attack, a Planned Parenthood Abortionplex opens in Kansas...), it could throw the election the other way. And that would be bad, mmmkay?

We're still working on healing the wounds of the Bush presidency. Even if Obama is re-elected, I doubt he can undo all the damage. States are still chipping away at reproductive rights; marriage equality is still meaningless on a federal level, and soldiers are still fighting and dying in an unwinnable war in Afghanistan. Add to that a Santorum presidency and we've got a huge hit to reproductive rights (and perhaps the rights of single mothers, and just women in general), a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage, and another fucking war in Iran. Not to mention further financial deregulation and some unwise taxcuts, which will likely spell our entire economic system's untimely demise (time to take a class in Manadarin). That's bad.

Let me be clear: I'm no fan of Romney (I'm pretty sure the part of his brain that would normally hold conviction is full of hair), but he's a president I could live with, if worse came to worse. I cannot live with President Santorum. And if you've got a vagina, a brain, and/or an sexual appreciation for your gender, you can't live with him either.


Seriously. Hair.


So, guys, WTF are you going to do about it? Because telling everyone that Rick Santorum is composed almost entirely of poopy lube is obviously not enough. We need to think of new ways to stop him, and we need to think fast. Go.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Uh. Holy Shit.

Santorum won Minnesota. And Missouri. And maybe Colorado.

I guess the Republicans in those places really hate ladies. And gays. And gay ladies.

Wow.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Two Things

First, this (via Buzzfeed):


And also, this (via my friend and mentor @nickvdk, who has more twitter followers than me and I'm not happy about it):


That is all.